My Brain

Why is it so dark?

Why do I have nowhere to retreat to?

I most likely have persistent depressive disorder, also known as dysthymia. I know I shouldn’t be self-diagnosing, but I honestly think that’s what’s going on here.

I’m currently in a depressive episode. No, I don’t want to kill myself. My depression has never been that bad. No, life just feels like “meh,” almost like this is how it’s always been and how it always will be.

My head just feels so heavy. I almost didn’t want to write a full fleshed out post here, but I guess I have more to say than “why”.

Not much though, I am depressed. Don’t really want to do much. My brain just feels terrible. And I don’t want to tell my parents because they won’t understand. If I tell them that I’m depressed, they’ll jump to conclusions and get me somewhere I don’t need to be.

Like I keep saying, I need a therapist. I’m basically fighting against my parents to go to that college. You know, the one that’s $45k a year in tuition alone. Yeah, that one. They have a really good therapy program that I absolutely want to take advantage of, not just because I’m an Aspie, but also because of my anxiety and depression issues.

I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I’m straight up disobeying my parents now. Yeah, I live under their roof, but I’m an adult now. I need to be let alone so I could make my own choices. And make my own mistakes. If I make a mistake, I need to learn from it myself. Time to rip my hands out of my parents’.

And by the way, no, I’m not drunk, although my thinking feels impaired. I did say I was depressed, so…

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