Supposedly. I wouldn’t know. (this is not a positive post, you’ve been warned)
Now, I most likely have Aspergers. I have many posts on this website that prove this. I’m not here to talk about Aspergers today. Well, I am. But not just Aspergers. Let’s talk about Aspergers and Depression.
So, yeah. I’m most likely depressed. However, I’m not at any point where I would want to kill myself and I don’t think I would ever get that low. Mostly, my depression these past couple days has been just a flat feeling of “meh. Life is meh. Great.”
If I haven’t said it here before (because I’ve been venting other places), I follow Dodie on YouTube. She has vlog videos that talk about depression, depersonalization, and derealization. One of her videos is her talking about depression while she’s depressed. She said that it feels very chemical and very physical, which it does for me. It just feels like your brain is so heavy that you can’t lift it with your own willpower and then you remember that you actually have to get up and do stuff today and it’s like “great now I have responsibilities.” Everything just starts seeming impossible and difficult.
My parents may assume that I’m lazy, or that I simply just don’t want to do things. Or that I want to just sit around all day and watch YouTube videos or whatnot. That’s not the full picture. They never see the full picture. No one ever sees the full picture.
I started writing this post yesterday when my depression was affecting me still. It’s not affecting me as much now, but I still feel it, like an afterthought in the back of my head. “You’re depressed. You’re depressed. You’re depressed.” (Shut it already, tell me something I don’t know)
Depression during Christmas isn’t the best thing to be feeling, mostly because everyone’s cheery around you and you just feel indifferent towards the world and yourself.
I probably should’ve put a warning on this post there we go. In any case, depression at Christmas is even worse when your family has no idea you’re depressed. Or that you’re on the spectrum. Or that their actions actually affect someone negatively. Because they do.
I’m not saying that I’m super salty towards my parents not saying anything about my Aspergers for 19 years of my life, but I am a little bit. The fact that they aren’t actively trying to help me into the world is annoying, to say the least. They’re not gingerly guiding me through my life while holding my hand along the way. They’re pushing me along a path I don’t want to go down. Oh yeah, while holding my hand along the way. I get that they have the best intentions and want the best for me, but sometimes good intentions don’t produce good actions. Put simply, I wish they were positively helping me fit into the neurotypical world instead of sternly telling me the “correct” way to do something and making me feel like the bad guy in the situation. While I may have done something wrong, that doesn’t mean you have to berate me constantly for it.
My dad yesterday was attempting to have me go with him to breakfast and then Christmas shopping (as I still had to buy some gifts for people at this point). He asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast with him and I responded with a sincere “I don’t know.” Now, if it isn’t obvious, I sincerely meant “I don’t know.” When I said that, I was attempting to convey uncertainty in my choice to go with my father to breakfast because I had planned to go out to lunch and then to buy gifts for people (I ended up going with my father, but this didn’t upset me because plans were changed; anyways moving on). He got mad at me, probably because to him, me saying “I don’t know” means “no.” And it doesn’t. “I don’t know” means “I don’t know.” My dad is probably also on the spectrum. However, he’s been conditioned for many years to live in the neurotypical world. Maybe he’s diagnosed. He’s never told me. In any case, he simply thought that there was subtext to what I was saying because everyone uses subtext in their conversations. Nope. Not me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. End of story. I hate how neurotypicals misconstrue every single thing that I say. It’s a “side effect” of having Aspergers, I guess. I say everything without subtext, yet subtext is common and expected among NTs that it’s assumed that I use subtext.
I could go on and on about this. But I’m not going to because I feel like this post is getting long. Anyways, to conclude, Christmas is not causing my depression. In fact, I am always very excited for the Christmas season to come (and that’s not just because I enjoy getting gifts; I think everyone enjoys getting gifts). My depression is mostly sourced from my family not understanding my needs as an Aspie and therefore not meeting said needs. I’m then conditioned to think that they won’t understand anything related to my Aspergers, so I hide anything related to it. Like this blog. Or my secondary Reddit account. Or any Discord server that happens to have the word Aspie in it. Yeah, I’m a very secretive person when it comes to personal personal stuff like this. I have fortunately found a friend that is willing to listen/read rants related to this stuff.
If you are depressed this Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/whatever season, I sincerely hope that you get better. You can get through this; it’s only temporary. Fight the depression as hard as you can. Make yourself some tea. Go for a run or a walk. Buy yourself something small that you want. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. I was looking into Ed Sheeran’s song Save Yourself, and on genius.com it lists this quote:
“You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
Please learn to love yourself. I still am, quite unfortunately. Yet I still attempt to give love and care and worth to others every day while I lack sufficient amounts of all three. If you need to take a break from social media, do it. That stuff is toxic to people with mental health problems, and to people in general. If you need to take a break from people, do it. Whatever you need to do (if it doesn’t mean killing yourself because that should absolutely be out of the question), do it. People can be stressful themselves sometimes. My feelings towards my family prove this. Now I have to spend Christmas with them.
(Now I feel like I’m rambling when this was supposed to be the end of the post; don’t worry this is relevant
somehow) I recently got into playing D&D with a friend of mine who used to go to my high school (is now graduated and is going to the college I’m transferring to in the fall). I now am part of a group that includes several friends from high school. We were thinking about possibly playing sometime later this week after Christmas. Yet my mom says that she wants to go to the beach or take a vacation somewhere. I’m telling her to relax and that I want to enjoy my Christmas vacation. My first bout of depression was due to me thinking that I won’t enjoy friend groups at my new college. And my second was due to me thinking that I would be stuck in my home forever with my parents that don’t and won’t understand me at all. I’m fighting for more time with friends. I read somewhere (I don’t remember what it was about, but it was something related to Aspergers) about something, and it said “If you’re a child, stay close to your parents. If you’re an adult, talk to your support group or your friends.” It’s interesting that the language is changed from child to adult (we’re talking about Aspies here). I definitely connect more with my friends than my parents. Or even my siblings (though they are also ~4 and ~8 years older than me).
All this sucks. Depression sucks. Life is meh. Life sucks. Great.