So, no, I don’t think I’m depressed. Or, well, I am, but I’m not not. Can you see the predicament I’m in?
I found this video on signs of high functioning depression also known as dysthymia. That’s probably what this is.
I’ve been journaling more often now. I can tell that it helps, but I wish I could tell someone about it. I always get anxious when I think about telling my friends stuff like this. I got anxious when I told my friends I’m probably on the spectrum (the list of people who know is now at six). I didn’t know what they would think and I still don’t know. None of them have brought it back up.
I keep thinking about basically fighting my parents to live on campus. Depression just hit me like a brick about twenty minutes ago and I’ve been laying in bed doing nothing since. I decided that writing my thoughts here would probably do less harm than good, so here we are. The thought that lingered this time (as usually a negative thought comes in and I tend to dwell on them wayyy too long, causing depression) was how if I were living on campus right now, I could ask someone who isn’t busy to go hang out. But here I am, stuck at home doing nothing of importance.
That thought then spiraled into “well, if I don’t live on campus, this is going to be the norm for me.” I don’t want that. At all.
I follow Dodie on YouTube (she talks frequently about her own mental health issues such as depression and depersonalization on her channel). She has talked about her depression in a few videos before. If I absolutely knew that I was going to be living on campus next year, I would probably dismiss my depression as temporary. My parents seem to think that money is more important than my mental state, but I haven’t even told them about my anxiety attack that one morning of being 40 minutes late. Or that depressive episode driving home from rehearsal. Or right now. And I probably won’t tell them ever. They just wouldn’t understand. On the flip side, they haven’t asked how I’ve been doing lately. They may say “How was your day? What did you do?” But they aren’t really asking me. Small talk.
Currently, my parents haven’t done anything about me going to my new college. Not even paying the confirmation deposit or anything. I get that it is Christmas time, but this is about my future. Get me this for Christmas and I won’t care, but show that you care about my future a little bit more (they’ve already said that they’re proud/okay with me going to the college I’ve selected).
Since they haven’t done anything, it feels very depressing because from my current point of view, it feels like things will never change. I’d like to think that next Fall, things will change and I’ll get a therapist from the uni and my life will start to look better. It’s just incredibly difficult to do so in a depressed mindset.
I might just copy-paste this to my friend to goes to said uni (with some obvious changes). He would totally understand the situation more than random people reading this on the internet.
Sure. What the heck. I’ll do it after I shower. Time to get something productive done. Let’s hope my parents don’t yell at me for not getting something really productive done (I could make a post about that, but I’ll stop now).